Sunday, February 13, 2011
ridiculous
As a teen, i happily occupied hours of time with nothing but thoughts of him. Now the thoughts intrude and wont leave me alone. Imagine you are forced to read the same page in a book, over and over, and over and over again. Or maybe listening to the same song day and night 24/7. I am supposed to be obsessed with a 'thing' or process, not with a person. I will go to the city today - left alone here all by myself, i think i will die of a heart attack when the next rush of thoughts begins.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
years
Years of perfect containment - FAILED
Years of unbroken concentration - FAILED
I have been taking anti-seizure meds to stop the obsession, but it only works for one hour - then im left for several more drowning in thoughts of david s. I have an obligation i have to honor, so im fucking prevented from killing myself. Wtf am i supposed to do? Damn it, i hunger for permanent escape like i hunger for food. I cant breath, literally have trouble breathing when i think of how far away a gunshot to my head might be - years ?! I wish i had died at birth. Why the fuck do they allow my spiral into madness? i will need a massive increase in meds that take away my ability to think. But what will happen to my job?
Years of unbroken concentration - FAILED
I have been taking anti-seizure meds to stop the obsession, but it only works for one hour - then im left for several more drowning in thoughts of david s. I have an obligation i have to honor, so im fucking prevented from killing myself. Wtf am i supposed to do? Damn it, i hunger for permanent escape like i hunger for food. I cant breath, literally have trouble breathing when i think of how far away a gunshot to my head might be - years ?! I wish i had died at birth. Why the fuck do they allow my spiral into madness? i will need a massive increase in meds that take away my ability to think. But what will happen to my job?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
to do
End of year regulatory stuff wont allow any rest for me this week. But on the weekend, ill rest, and my thoughts wont be so disorganized. Ill figure out what to do about this. I will also get some meds.
cant be left alone
So im dumping this blog, and maybe while im at it, ill become some sort of paranoid luddite. Im pretty annoyed after checking google, that suddenly there is a wealth of information on me on the net. Ive avoided turning up in searches on my name for a whole decade. This is it, im done. I wonder if this has anything to do with the call to my landlady to ask if i lived with her. A person bothers to call to see where i live and once their check is done, they sell the information to a public website? Im very angry. If i wanted to be positively identified by people who might hate me, id join facebook.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
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