Sunday, February 13, 2011
ridiculous
As a teen, i happily occupied hours of time with nothing but thoughts of him. Now the thoughts intrude and wont leave me alone. Imagine you are forced to read the same page in a book, over and over, and over and over again. Or maybe listening to the same song day and night 24/7. I am supposed to be obsessed with a 'thing' or process, not with a person. I will go to the city today - left alone here all by myself, i think i will die of a heart attack when the next rush of thoughts begins.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
years
Years of perfect containment - FAILED
Years of unbroken concentration - FAILED
I have been taking anti-seizure meds to stop the obsession, but it only works for one hour - then im left for several more drowning in thoughts of david s. I have an obligation i have to honor, so im fucking prevented from killing myself. Wtf am i supposed to do? Damn it, i hunger for permanent escape like i hunger for food. I cant breath, literally have trouble breathing when i think of how far away a gunshot to my head might be - years ?! I wish i had died at birth. Why the fuck do they allow my spiral into madness? i will need a massive increase in meds that take away my ability to think. But what will happen to my job?
Years of unbroken concentration - FAILED
I have been taking anti-seizure meds to stop the obsession, but it only works for one hour - then im left for several more drowning in thoughts of david s. I have an obligation i have to honor, so im fucking prevented from killing myself. Wtf am i supposed to do? Damn it, i hunger for permanent escape like i hunger for food. I cant breath, literally have trouble breathing when i think of how far away a gunshot to my head might be - years ?! I wish i had died at birth. Why the fuck do they allow my spiral into madness? i will need a massive increase in meds that take away my ability to think. But what will happen to my job?
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