sunday night

It's like nothing I've sought to touch in life has ever been moved - like my fingers pass right through.

When sound comes from my mouth, not single person ever hears it. I knock on the glass that separates you from me, and you don't hear a thing. Then i set myself on fire hoping you're eyes will catch the glimmer of light, and that maybe you'll look toward me - but you see nothing. - nothing at all.

For those who have seen me, some shallow aspect of me - the MINUTE you've looked away, I've been totally forgotten - and its as though i never was, as though there never was a 'me'. One hundred years from now, there will never have been a 'me' - it will be just as it was even a hundred years before today, when there ALSO had never been a 'me'

no past, no present, no future, intangible and invisible. nothing - less than nothing.

Now i live in exile, not a blade of grass, not a tree, not a person to greet in the street. I look up at the sky tonight, and there's a full moon overhead. I wonder if the moon is the only thing that sees me. I wonder what it's thinking - if it cares. is it laughing?

i want so badly for this to be over

self-harm

I took an overdose when i was 21, and years later was too afraid to try anything like that again. Later in life - more than a few times, i satisfied my need for danger by walking into extremely dangerous neighborhoods by myself late at night. My hope was that I'd be, at least, seriously 'roughed up'. Amazingly, nothing ever happened - no one ever harmed me. Time and again, i tested fate by walking into the dangerous ghetto, and time and again, i was left alone.

Lately, when I'm alone in my room at night, I've begun feeling the impulse again. I know that if i try the same stunt in NYC rather than my hometown, i'll be seriously hurt, maybe worse. I don't want to do it, but its something that's definitely in the back of my mind.

I don't understand why people who WANTED to live, people my same age, have gotten sick and died. I have no particular desire to live - and yet, I live. It's saturday in New York City - I will see nobody all day long, and then I'll sleep. I am so lonely.

How I came out

So anyway, many many years ago, I made the mistake of falling in love with one of them. He seemed a nobler type of person - kinder, more respectable, easy-going, and able to talk to anyone - a really brilliant guy.

I sent him a letter - I never thought he was gay, so i didn't ask him for anything - I just told him that I loved him and how much I admired him. Well OK, I told way too much - I didn't realize at the time, but this was an autistic meltdown - that the pages-worth of words I was putting on paper probably would spell out 'DANGER' to anyone who read them.

But could I have avoided it? - No.

I guessed his home address instead of checking first, because I was just as horrified he might read the letter as I was desperate that he know that I loved him. Unfortunately, the letter reached the correct address.

The response was swift and brutal. Outed to my peers, my neighbors, my friends, my family, strangers/ violent young men in my unsafe neighborhood. Everyone.

ah well -

To autistic gay youth, I can only say - He will never love you and actually, he'll never even like you. If you're not already out, and you're planning to tell him how you feel, you will be making a terrible mistake - a mistake you might not recover from. There is ZERO chance what you have done will remain a secret.

Let me explain -

I was humiliated, harassed, physically attacked, shunned all on a matter of weeks. I immediately fell from high-functioning to low-functioning autism - which is exactly what will happen when your last human contacts say goodbye.

I was afraid to leave my house or answer the door because I was being hassled. So I took an overdose.

My brain functions slowed to a crawl - I lay on my back for years, thinking nothing, doing nothing. Years burned away, no sense of time passing, no feelings, no ideas - nothing.


- and that is my coming-out story.

Job

I really don't think I'm well enough to hold a full-time job, but i do it anyway. Like everyone else in society, I either choose to work or choose to starve. My last doctor told me I am 'too able' to live in a group home or to be institutionalized, so if i choose to give up and drop out of life, I'll have to find another way.

I would have liked to have taken a vacation in September, but my boss took it away from me - 'business needs'. Unfortuately, without some kind of pause, I risk unravelling. The HR and benefits people suggested I apply for Family Medical Leave. To tell the truth, that option is looking better and better.

Meanwhile, I woke up early today. Whenever I'm alone in my room, my mind immediately trips back to events of many years ago, and my body starts to tremble slightly. I was given meds to stop the shaking, but it seems they aren't doing their job.

Well, fall has arrived

I am not dead, though, of course, it would be nice.

I've spent over a year trying to stave off insanity, and now back on antidepressants. What is the cause of my personal 'Great Depression'? - well, loneliness and bitterness. Every day and every night, i live in total solitude. I speak to no one on the subway ride to work, I speak to no one at work, I eat in a restaurant all by myself every night, and then i go back to my place, by myself. All i have are my memories of the times i've had being alone, wondering what the point of it all is.

These poor parents of autistic children. They want soo badly to believe a cure is around the corner. I saw them pack an auditorium in manhattan last summer. There had been an advert in the Metro a few weeks earlier - "Cure for Autism" it read. ...I guess I should try to avoid saying anything which could get me sued.

burn out

My sensitivity to sound has gotten out of control. I've had to start wearing earplugs again, which unfortunately, will push my tolerance even lower. My sensitivity to light has increased as well.
Last night i had cover my eyes at bedtime, keep the putty earplugs in, and also put something between my teeth to stop the chattering. No doubt, ill choke and die one night. My body stays at an ultra-low tremor when im alone at night. i wonder how damaging that can be over time. but im not sure what i can do about it.

This is my blog

Hello